Archives for category: fissssssssssssh

We hasn’t Bloged in a long time because we’s been very busy counting our Precious Collection. We still has ONE, if you was wondering, my precious, but that’s none of your business! We only needs one! We’ll Blog later, the Precious is calling.

mine preciously,
GOLLUM

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Good morning filthy fat Hobbitses of the world! This is Smeagol, hacking Gollum’s Blog again! You idiot, we’re the same person! gollum! gollum! oh yes, my Precious, we are! GOLLUM! we wasn’t hacking your blog, no, we was, um… stalking you… yes….

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

Does mean nasty stupid wicked trickesty fat orcses hack your websites, Posting embarrassing videos and statuses on your facebooks and Tweeting “I have a crush on Legolas” to all your followers???? Well, for starters, its probably your fault. YOURS! you is stupid and left your account open, or gave your password to some Sneak! Secondly, you should eat your fish raw, its this unhealthy fire thats rotting your brain and making you stupid and too lazy to not do that. Thirdililly, We advise that you give your passswords from all your accounts on all websites to US! we’ll keep them safe for you… yes…. also, Gollum has a lifesize copy of Legolas’s bow in his cave. I’M STILL RIGHT HERE, PRECIOUS, AND WE’RE STILL THE SAME PERSON!

Yours trully,

GoLlUm!

gollum!

This week, we were kidnapped by pirates, who came into the cave and stole all our things. Including our computer (if you saw the really weird stuff that “we” posted the other day, now you know why) and our PRECIOUS!

The pirates took us and MY precious to a hot place with lots of sandses and palm trees and SALTY oceans full of fishies. It’s so hot and bright there my Precious, we could hardly see anything! The pirates tied us up and went in their cave to count their booty. THEY TOOK OUR PRECIOUS IN THERE!!!! We was tied up all day in the sun (we gots us a nice tan) until we was finally able to pull free of their filthy ropses around sundown. We hates those ropeses, they cuts our flesh and makes us stay under the hated Yellow Face (and made a funny zig-zag line that went through our tan) so we burned them and threw their ashesssss into a pitsss!!!! After dark, the buccaneers lit tiki torches and had a beach party. We killed one of the pirates and dressed up in his piratey apparel, so that we could go to that party too and blow our noses real loud with ’em. Then, after several rums, Smeagol started arguing with us about stuffs and one of the pirates said “who’s that?” and then they realized that we wasn’t one of them. They chased us to their cave where we heroically swooooped in, rescuing our PrEcIoUs, and escaped out their trap door into the sea!

They went round to their boat and sailed to where the trap door opened up, but they couldn’t find us, just a broken part of a rowboat they had stashed there. They sailed after it, wanting the Precious, but they never will finds it, because we tricksed them, we was still at the beach, oh yes my Precious and we stayed there for a good many days, sleeping all day in the pirate’s cave and coming out at night to eat nice fish and crunchable birdses. We had a fun vacation, but at the end of the week we went back home ’cause there ain’t no place like our cave.

yours trully,

MEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The cold hard lands

they bites our hands,

   they gnaws our feet.

The rocks and stones

are like old bones

all bare of meat.

But stream and pool

is wet and cool:

  so nice for feet!

And now we wish————

Ha! Ha! what does we wish? We’ll tell you…

Alive without breath;

as cold as death;

never thirsting, ever drinking;

clad in mail, never clinking.

Drowns on dry land,

thinks an island,

is a mountain;

thinks a fountain

is a puff of air.

So sleek! So fair!

  What a joy to meet!

We only wish

To catch a fish,

so juicy SWEEEEEEET!

 

–JRR Tolkien; The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

 

We can’ts sleep, Precious, we’re tired and sleepy and need to go to bed but we CAN’T!!!!! Our bedses is uncomfortable and stuff. so we thought we’d post something. but there’s nothing to talk about, Precious. nothing at all for Smeagol to do… poor Smeagol. WE NEEDS TO GO TO BED! It’s 11:24 by the Alarm Clock on Smeagol’s nightstand but we can’t pull our selves away from the computer!  You know what’s worse than not being able to sleep? not being able to wake up. gollum! We has places to be and we lies in bed dreaming, ignoring the alarms of the clockses and the sunlight which comes from that tiny hole in the roof of the cave. Cave, sweet cave. We wonders if eating too much sugar candy a few hours ago is what’s keeping us awake? NO! we likes candy… more will help you sleep, yes…

yours trully,

Smeagol.

We haven’t had time to finish making our website shiny, yet, Precious. We doesn’t want you  to be looking at it yet. So LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! before we strangles you, yesssss… gollum!

yours truly,

smeagol